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DIY

… and then go and wonder why.

Day in and day out I come across this selfishness that has spread on a global level faster than the deadliest virus ever imagined.

Selfishness that is. Lack of empathy, my friends.

It saddens me deeply, everyday, when receiving my dose of indifference.

Needless, to say, I’d rather not receive any more of this, so why do they keep coming at my door?

Oh, yes! It is a pandemic disease.

Lately, I have been in need of true help, real help. Not an ‘I am a spoiled brat seeking for attention’ but a ‘please help me get the proper help to overcome this disease’. I have knocked each and every door.

I have knocked doors that for some reason I expected to be open, because they’d been through that and might give some guidance.

And I have been let down time and again.

Ultimately, I have had to drag myself from a doctor’s office to another doctor’s office to another doctor’s office looking for the help I so much need provided to get me back to being me.

What did I find there? Doctors give up on difficult cases too. Gladly, after taking the tiny bit of money you had saved for a future, they will not recognize they messed up and they just simply will give up on you.

It is the worst feeling to be abandoned at your fate by the doctor who’s supposed to make you better.

And then again, you seek for counsel. Heck, you even send desperate messages to influent people in hope that they still have a little bit of heart and will read your message and maybe (due to their influence) help you get the direction of a qualified doctor that will get you back to normal same way they did with them.

But all you get is silence in return.

We’re living in a society of beggars nowadays. Where did the selfless help go?

‘Help me help you’ seems to be the motto of this era. With money, that is. Give me money so I can pretend to gain some interest in you so I can give you some guidance.

Oh, so you’re really screwed up? I’m sorry. I can pretend to help you, without scattering my brains too much (God forbid) for 80 € per visit. Twice a week.

What did you just say? You’re broke?

Oh… So sorry then, I’m afraid I cannot provide any help to you.

You might as well try to swim out of the quicksand on your own. Welcome to the 21st century Elena!

Here, nobody will throw a stick at you to help you escape from it.

You better try to grab on everything that you might encounter in the meantime and good luck to you. Or stick a knife through your throat if it becomes unbearable.

We might help you a little bit. But that would take some money…

And so the vicious circle goes in all aspects of life.

There’s people who can help and will not do it just because it is not their problem.

And this is the ill minded society that we’re being surrounded with.

People lack of empathy, ethics, morals…

And then people keep on wondering what is wrong with the world.

So if you see someone in need and just turn your head the other way, YOU are part of the problem too.

Do you want to be part of the problem or part of the SOLUTION?

What the world needs now is love sweet love. (Dionne Warwick).

C’mon!

I said I would and I will… partially.

So I have opened a Blogger account as of today.

I am NOT planning on leaving Tumblr behind by any means. Love it too much to leave it behind.

But if Yahoo is gonna do their lucrative thing in here, I figured I might try to do mine someplace else too.

Still working in my Wordpress ‘thingy’ because I’d like it to be absolutely sleek.

Blogger is the ‘happy medium’.

Click here to see my insight regarding this new phase.

Feel free to subscribe and support!

Fear not to the AdSense because I am not qualified yet. But your support and insight would mean a lot to me.

Thank you!

Makeup

Judging by the title one might get to the conclusion that we are talking about superficiality and vanity here.

Truth be told, I am going to go any possible way but superficial. And I will only talk about my experience which is the only one I can truly swear by.

Earlier on today, while I was getting ready to jump into the shower I started removing the makeup I had so diligently applied on my face earlier this morning. It revealed a really pale skin and some deep dark circles. I no longer looked cheerful or healthy for that matter. Truth be told, these past weeks I have been going through an ordeal and my body is a winner for just being here still.

Be there or be square

Two hours left for the delivery so to speak.

So there’s this charming Italian guy (whom I met on early Summer, last year) and we clicked instantly. He insisted on hooking up (you know what I mean) and I insisted not to.

As mentioned before I am not celibate, but I don’t have the sexual urge to jump right away onto someone’s arms. So we talked and laughed and had a great time. A fantastic time indeed.

Over the past months we eventually talked short conversations on Whatsapp. But I didn’t expect much else. How can something work on a long distance based, when I hasn’t even started yet? I say chances are pretty slim.

Last week, out of nowhere I received a message from him. ‘Where are you?’ Imagine how little we know about one another that he didn’t know that I no longer lived in the city (for now). After telling him where I was he got a bit down. Apparently he wanted to meet with me.

That, to me looked good enough. Some ‘friends’ don’t even bother to say Happy New Year and an almost stranger when coming around town remembers that I exist. Now let’s be realistic and figure that all he probably wanted was SEX. But who knows? Maybe he’s just a polite young man. There have to be some, I hope…

So we agreed to meet up on Skype last Saturday morning.

Guess what? He didn’t show up. He appeared online but did not answer. (Red flag there!). So after a good 45 minutes waiting I took off and carried on with my day.

I am a person of my word and have very high standards. So if we agree to be at someplace a sometime I will be here unless something terrible has happened. I will call if I can’t make it and make ammends. But that’s just me.

So after not showing up he didn’t even send a lousy message to give and excuse (red flag number 2). On Monday I confronted him. I deserved an explanation so I politely demanded one.

He told me that a mother of a friend had died and he couldn’t answer because he was at the funeral. Personally I didn’t buy it, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt, just for once.

So tonight, at 9:30 PM I’ll be online to our rearranged meeting. Little does he know he is not messing with Ms. Bimbo here. I can tell he’s used to girls go chasing him all the time. Well, he just parked at the wrong place. Or the complete right one, depending of the point of view.

By that time, I Will be there, because I said I would. Now it is up to him to show up. If he does, I will have a bit more faith in mankind. If he does not he will just prove me right and he will be not only erased but deleted from the equation.

I am done with bums. I demand no less than a gentleman, a man of his word. If he can’t keep his word it’ll be strike (red flag) 3 and therefore eliminated.

Life’s too short to keep parking on the wrong tree. And one (in this case myself) comes first. It is a matter of self respect.

If you don’t respect your own standards… how can you ever expect to be respected back in return?

So, we’ll see.

The contact melodrama

… and other 1st world’s problems.

I bet most of you when you read this will think: ‘Well that’s just stupid, you are stupid’. But let me tell you something:

I am a quite young female who enjoys looking good every now and then. So before I get old and wrinkly I’d like to see my face as it is and play with looks every once in a while. This is why I use contact lenses. so far so good, but there is a catch: While the majority of population who use prescription glasses combine them with contacts with no trouble whatsoever, me, as a good left handed, I am somewhat discriminated when it comes to eyesight as well.

The animal instinct

So this had to be written.

It is not often that one finds herself drawn into this very unique feeling. To be completely honest, it just happened to me once before. Yes, I am talking about ‘love’ at first sight. And I say ‘love’ because it is not quite the feeling. It is not a romantic love, it might not even be love to tell you the truth.

This is not a situation of boy meets girl or vice versa. This is not an approaching that you get to know one another through friends and you both feel attracted and some part takes the lead and asks for a date.

It is not mere attraction, even the deepest attraction you could feel. This is something that goes above and beyond words and explanations, hidden in our hypothalamus. It is plain, simple and savage: It is the animal instinct.

North Korea

Over the past month, for some unexplainable reason I have really been into gathering information about North Korea and reading and watching documentaries about it. I guess the secrecy and the hermetic frontier that North Korea has really drew my attention towards it.

I guess the news in there is that nothing new ever happens to that country and their population. While their government and leader have them absolutely brainwashed, they don’t tell us very many information about what is going on in there. In the meantime, the rest of the planet keeps evolving on the complete opposite direction.

I have see many hidden camera documentaries. I have seen children starving on the streets of small towns and nobody paying attention to them because if you dare to speak up or do something that you are “not supposed to”, (like feeding starving children) they could send you and your entire family to a work camp where you’ll end up dead 9 out of 10 times.

International food and aid it is confiscated by the party members and the elite. Other than that, you see an empty PyongYang, mainly because it is more like of a facade than an actual living city. I have heard testimonies talk about eventual cannibalism. Yet they are forced to worship their leader and for some reason (I don’t believe it is just the nuclear menace they suppose) nobody does anything about it.

I have seen countrymen saying they are being forced to grow poppies to make heroine while they cannot grow a potato to serve into their dinner plates. And the story goes on and on.

So this afternoon, as I was watching this documentary I felt the urge of sharing it with you all.

Even if you just watch it for five minutes it’ll probably strike you the huge silence all over the place. You’ll see PyongYang at rush hour and people calmly walking into the subway and everybody being absolutely quiet.

To me, silence can only translate into one word: Fear.

I don’t want to get to conclusions or make parallelisms. Just felt like sharing this for it really gave me the chills.

No horror movie compares to that of the reality in North Korea.

Silence

It is about time to write something in here.

I was waiting for having something worth telling. But I waited and waited, then waited a bit more and truth is there is nothing to tell. Or there is so much to tell actually, that thoughts collide with each other and collapse before exiting my brain in order to be spoken or written.

A long physical silence period that I can endure can be a couple of months. A Summer, that is. But Summer is now long gone and people are back to their busy lives back at the city while I have remained quiet and silent at my hometown.

No city for me for now. And no phone calls or emails or any kind of contact of people who I thought would care a bit more about me. I could call, but why does it always have to be me the one calling? I guess I can take the lack of communication as a lack of interest and therefore friendship. Maybe I am wrong.

Truth is I want to be wrong. I want to believe that people are just so astonishingly busy the have not one second to type a mere Whatsapp to me. But at the end of the day reality is that another day has gone by and I have barely talked.

I have barely talked because here I have no one to talk to besides my family. And lately, this is the only communication I get with other human beings.

I could call to people right back at the city. But I have absolutely nothing to tell them. I have not good news to tell so I rather not bore people with my misfortunes. Besides, it is known that I am back home to get better.

So this brings me back to the same dilemma: When someone has a flu, do they go visit the ill person or does the ill person go paying visits to whomever might be? I rest my case.

Sad, is seeing that life goes on without you. And it should be this way, do not get me wrong. But it would be nice to receive some hint of life at the other end of the line saying something like ‘How are you?’ ‘We just heard that song and thought about how you were doing’.

But instead all I get is a dismal silence. A silence that could almost be compared to a monk’s vow of silence.

So all in all, no wonder I have not much to tell if I am not being talked to.

We all know conversations with family have nothing to do with the ones people have with the so called friends. A mother cannot replace a friend. She has to be a mother.

In the meantime, silence is so loud that all you can hear is the typing of this keyboard and once I’ll be done I will watch a talk show to keep me company until I fall asleep.

Cherish communication for it is priceless.

And… now, I’m done.

I am absolutely done with it. I am done.

I am done with bitterness, I am done with anguish, I am done with regret… F**k! I am even done with repeating myself.

Things have been so rough on me lately that without going into specifics, my father had to come all the way up to the city to pick me up and bring me home; go figure. It was not an act of a spoiled girl and some spoiler progenitors. It was more a cry for help, I needed something to grab to even wanting to keep on this planet if you know what I mean.

I had to go to the doctor and they prescribed me some drugs that made me really numb, almost an automaton. And when I called on him to explain that he suggested to add some extra pills here and there.

Right then and there I decided I’ve had it. I have had enough of this lousy life that I’ve been living over -almost- the past decade. I said enough. And I slowly decreased the medication instead of increasing it. And something quite unexpected happened:

Elena got back! This active person that I had been in the past, no the most courageous person I dare to say but more courageous that I had been lately. The Elena that put her priorities first and doesn’t let -or does her best- at stopping anyone who will try to step on her feet. The Elena that has a personality of her own and feels no need whatsoever of having to be constantly pleasing the rest of the world. The Elena that when listens that “… I have found people more like myself, unlike you.” doesn’t blink twice as she answers “Well, when did I ever say I wanted to be like you?”

Of course I am not a hero as well as I am not a person who completely does what I please whenever I please; don’t get me wrong. But now I am back. And the old me -the real me- puts her priorities first as long as don’t interfere in anyone else’s life. So yup, I am not a weapon of massive destruction. But as a wise man once sang: I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there… My shadow days are over now.

It’s just that now it’s my turn and I have every right to get my say on it.

And I really mean it when I say it. I AM DONE.

Big bang is coming

This is not the post I was planning on writing, but I had the urge of writing the following:

This blog, my blog, has been going on a downwards spiral ever since las spring. Almost a year now. I feel like my writings have gotten really mediocre and there is a huge lack of content. If I was to rate myself, if this was a test and I was the teacher I would give myself an F.

Now, I don’t want to hide myself behind justifications. Even though I have had my reasons to be away, the lack of content is just a mere reflection of my past year. Has it been an empty year? Pretty much. Or it may be considered as a year to erase from my memory. And it is agonizing still. Plus my intimacy has been severely compromised as you all know. So…

Do you know that moment of calm before the storm? That millisecond when the lion stays really quiet in front of the gazelle and both are pumping up stamina to begin the hunt and battle for life?

I have the feeling that I am living in that instant in time. I have the feeling that something is about to happen. The only thing left to do is to pull the trigger. But… When will that be? How will that happen? What will be the consequences of it? Is it going to be any good? Who will pull the trigger?

In the meantime, lost in that anguishing feeling but wanting to grasp hope at the same time, I remain in this awkward standby in my life reading (or craving, if you might) novel after novel, after novel.

And yes, I know this is yet another empty content post. I am well aware of that.

But I just wanted to let you know that I am still around and well aware.